Gilding the Lily: Building a Better Bike
Every so often I like to check in with the websites of the various big bicycle companies. Of course, when I do I know that I should not expect to find much actual information, since finding a fact on these sites is like
finding a marble in a kiddie pool full of oatmeal. Instead, I visit simply to be entertained, and I'm rarely disappointed--especially when it comes to the copy. Here's a bit of copy I read recently which I found particuarly provocative, as well as a dramatization of what may have happened between the lines:
Cannondale Scalpel Team Replica
The copy:
"Our Cannondale Vredestein team thought we were insane, 'Why would you want to change something thats perfect?' Our engineers asked, 'What would make it better?' The team responded, 'More travel, lighter, stiffer.' Done."
ACT I
TEAM: You guys are insane! Why would you want to change something thats perfect?
HEAD OF CANNONDALE: Wow. I mean really, wow. You think the bikes perfect? Im blushing!
TEAM: Yeah! Well, I mean, its kinda weird looking, but weve already got all the wrenches for it and stuff. Not only that, but weve also got all the riders seat and bar heights and junk just right. If you make a new bike were going to have to figure that stuff out all over again. That could take hours.
HEAD OF CANNONDALE: I see. But don't you want the bike to have more travel, and to be lighter and stiffer?
TEAM: Not really, we just run the suspension on lockout. Light's good I guess. Easier to carry.
HEAD OF CANNONDALE: Oh. Well, at any rate, dont worry. Youre gonna love the new bike.
TEAM: Whatever.
ACT II
HEAD OF CANNONDALE: [Throwing bike out window] We need a totally new Scalpel!
ENGINEER: [Dropping protractor in surprise] What? Why? What would make it better?
HEAD OF CANNONDALE: Selling more of them, thats what! What do you think this is, a kibbutz? Were a publicly-traded company! You know what our stocks trading at right now? Four cents a share! [Digs in pocket, grabs some pocket change and throws it at the ENGINEER.] You know what I did just there? I just bought thirty-two percent of the company! Someone could buy us out right now for less than it costs to do a load of delicates at the laundromat! There are literally people standing in front of vending machines right now and asking themselves, Hmm, I could buy this bag of peanut M&Ms, or I could own half of Cannondale. And you know what theyre doing? Theyre buying the freaking candy!
ENGINEER: All right, all right. But think for a minute. Even small changes are a major pain in the ass, and those changes cost money. What about a decal redesign?
HEAD OF CANNONDALE: You dont think were doing that? We just hired someone off Craigslist. But theres only so much we can do there. Weve got one of the longest names in the industry and theres only so many places on the bike we can fit it. Man, those guys at Trek have it so easy!
ENGINEER: Okay. What about a name change?
HEAD OF CANNONDALE: Wow, youre a genius. You wanna be head of marketing? I think youd be great at that. Idiot. Scalpels the perfect name! Wed be nuts to change it! Its sharp and precise! Do you know how many names we went through before we picked it? Paring Knifetoo culinary. X-Acto Knifealready trademarked. Samurai Swordtoo ethnic. The Hedge Clippertoo landscapey
ENGINEER: All right, how about this? We move the fork leg from the left side of the bike to the right and we call it the Righty.
HEAD OF CANNONDALE: Where the hell are you gonna put the brake?
ENGINEER: Uh, well make an adaptor?
HEAD OF CANNONDALE: Do you know anything about bikes at all?
ENGINEER: No! I told you that when you hired me from that novelty company.
HEAD OF CANNONDALE: Yeah, well call me crazy, but I thought the guy who invented the
Superfly Oinking Pig might know a thing or two about engineering.
ENGINEER: Well, Im doing the best I can.
HEAD OF CANNONDALE: I know you are. [Putting his arm around ENGINEER.] Hey, look, I know Im being tough on you. Im under a lot of pressure is all. Ive got
LeBron James breathing down my neck like a teenager on a date. I just wanna make a hit out of this thing, you know?
ENGINEER: I know.
HEAD OF CANNONDALE: Great. I knew I could count on you. Now lets build a bike!
[They high-five]
ACT III
HEAD OF CANNONDALE: So here it is, the new frame.
TEAM: Cool. Decals are a little cheesy. Why is the fork leg on the right? What are we supposed to do about the brake?
HEAD OF CANNONDALE: Just flip the wheel around.
TEAM: Oh. Well thanks.
HEAD OF CANNONDALE: No problemthanks for the input.
FIN
